Penny Wars

I'm engaged in a penny war. It's a battle between myself and every merchant I encounter: who can push their pennies onto the other. I come in peace, but merchants who choose to wage this war by charging prices that don't end in 5 or 0 must be prepared for battle.

I carry a flotilla of pennies in my left back pocket, ready to charge into the next defenseless merchant's hands. "$1.38 you say? Great, I have exact change! Here you go!" and in march the cavalry.

Merchants of course have heavy artillery on their side from the likes of NCR and Sharp, makers of cash registers, armories with virtually limitless supplies of copper foot soldiers. They can do this because they don't need portability like I do. But my nimble, highly mobile special forces do pretty well: I'm generally able to keep the enemy at bay and rarely leave an exchange "short changed".

After each battle I take a quick survey of my casualties or ground gained: if I've lost pennies I congratulate myself; if I gained pennies I feel some disappointment; and if somehow at any point I wind up carrying more than 4 pennies then this is abject failure. The only thing worse is carrying more than 99 cents in change, which requires a total management overhaul and some serious soul-searching.

For example, I recently had to restructure the order in which I give money after a recent series of transactions in which I took some heavy pneumismatic shrapnel. My old battle plan called for handing over the paper money and then quickly fishing in my pocket for some backup artillery. Recently however, merchants started beating me to the draw, returning fire with a fistful of coins before I could even draw my weapons. This was especially true when they equipped themselves with "automatic machine guns", those devices that spit your change into a dish automatically. So after an internal review I changed my procedure -- now I hold the paper money in my right hand while I fish for infantry with my left, then hand them both over together.

The worst mistake you can make is to accidentally leave your armaments at home. Occasionally I forget to transfer my troops from one pair of trousers to the next; an awful feeling sinks over me as I reach for my weapons in battle and realize I have none. It is a merchant's bonanza, and he freely loads me up with everything he's got; I could easily leave such an exchange a full 1/4 pound heavier. But then the next day I just come loaded with a double battalion, and royally unload on the poor merchant who stands in my way.

War isn't easy, and the war of pennies must be carefully fought battle-by-battle as part of a larger campaign on coins. You should know that cunning distractions such as light conversation are frequently employed in an effort to get the decisive split second edge over you, but with focus and discipline you will prevail.

Reporting from the front lines, this is SBP Editor writing for strangeblueplanet.com.